What am I?: An Idahoan in Retrospect

by Jim Farrar (1977)

Staring blankly in the mirror, Jim thought, “You know, Kelley is right, I don’t know how to tie a tie. It goes to the right.” Clumsily struggling to correct this textile terror, Jim collapses on the bathroom floor. “Shit!” he exclaims as he slides towards the wall on the opposite end of the room. Slamming into the wall our adventurous hero realizes that he’s a loser. When did this occur? Have I always been this way? Is it because I grew up in Idaho.

Bingo! He realized all along he had been afflicted with one of the world’s most tragic diseases. He suffered from “CHS” Chronic Hick Syndrome. And there is only one known cure, death.

Grabbing a gun, Jim knew he was only moments away from solving all his problems. This was for the good of his country, good for his race. He just wished he had friends it could be good for also.

Trembling with fear, our now hesitant hero dropped the gun. Hitting the floor the gun went off blowing off the small toe on his right foot. Jim shrugged and thought to himself, “Loser.”

Never has a coward performed such a spineless action. He limped away from the bloody toe. Wrapped his bloodied foot with gauze, and made another futile effort to tie his tie.

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