by Jim Farrar (1975)

He was the meanest son-of-a-gun on the block. This kid would always have the best toys, the toughest friends, and the biggest allowance in the neighborhood. Yes, even when he was a little shaver, young Richard Nixon was a “chief executive.”

Richard learned fast and early. Much of his education would prove invaluable in later years, when he would become the leader of the greatest nation on earth – the United States of America. During his sophomore year, in his debate class (he was and excellent debater – at least he always won!) he was accused of hiring cheerleaders to go over to the opponent’s homes and seduce their whole case out of them. The charge was never pinned down on him because no evidence of a payoff was ever detected. Nixon was also said to have donated his high school papers to the school library, thus claiming a fifteen-cents per day discount on his hot lunch. The administration got wise and forced him to repay the balance due.

His political life, the real thing, began in 1946 when he defeated some incumbent for a seat in the House. Nixon obtained this office by telling the public that his opponent was actually Joseph Stalin in disguise and that he had initiated a scheme to kidnap each and every American and then ship them off to Siberia. The public bought it, and Mr. Nixon found himself a Congressman. It was a sound political maneuver.

Dick Nixon’s political prestige blossomed. Before he knew it, he found himself VEEP (they called him the roadrunner because he would run up and down Pennsylvania Avenue saying “VEEP VEEP”) under Dwight Eisenhower. He was involved in a new scandal, but escaped by the seat of his pants with his soap-opera type “Checkers” speech.

In 1960, Nixon got to run for president. Problem was, John F. Kennedy ran faster and won the race. Besides, he debated better than Dick. The defeated Nixon replied by telling the press “you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.” They answered him by saying, “Nixon, don’t stick around anymore.”

His statement was short-lived, however. In 1968 he came roaring back and knocked off Hubert Humphrey (HHH) with a devastating 44% of the popular vote.

During the next four years he did a lot for the country, like bombing Cambodia and leveling Hanoi. You have to admit, Mr. Nixon left one hell of a legacy.

In 1972, Richard Nixon was able to retain his beloved presidency. This time he won by a landslide, crushing another communist, George McGovern.

Mr Nixon was not able to complete his second term, however. In the middle of 1974, Richard Nixon succumbed to a dread disease, the Watergate “Tapeworm” and was forced to retire from political life. It was a terrific blow to the country, the nation mourned his passing for many minutes. We probably never will recover from this blow.

What lies ahead for Richard Milhous Nixon? There are many rumors floating about concerning this man’s future. Some say he will remain in California and rot. Others claim he will reenter political life again by running for the governorship of Alabama, hopefully ousting George Wallace from his post. (Nixon sure gets the “runs” a lot – once every four years.) Personally I don’t subscribe to any of these. I predict that Richard Nixon will buy himself a lot and sell used cars in Burbank, California.

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